In every relationship, the past comes up in conversation.And while a guy thinks that he should know certain information about his girlfriend for future reference, he is really better off being happily oblivious.You see, the truth isn't always the best option. Our egos are easily bruised (as are our nipples, but that's a whole other article), so a woman should take a careful approach when talking about her ex. Here's what we hate to hear, along with suggestions on what to say instead.
Don't say: "Everyone loved him."
A guy likes to think he is the best man you've ever dated and that he's the favorite of all the important people in your life: siblings, friends, and especially your parents. When your new guy finds out that everybody loved the old boyfriend, his confidence wanes. It's bad enough that his girlfriend has certain expectations. Now, living up to the group's expectations might be a tall order.
What to say instead: "They liked him but didn't know the real person."
It will make gatherings with friends and family easier if your guy is blissfully unaware that everyone in the room might be wishing the old boyfriend was still in the picture. ("He was so good at Pictionary!") Let the new guy know that while the ex was loved by all, that was only because they saw one side of him, not the person you were around. Even if the new guy isn't Mr. Popular with Dad and e-mail buddies with your best friend, you're the only one who really has to like him. He will get better at Pictionary too. He has been practicing his animal shapes.
Don't say: "He made good money."
Did the old boyfriend make a ton of money? Keep that info to yourself. If the new guy finds out he makes less money than what you're used to, he will feel incompetent. Men like to feel that they can provide everything for their women, from the sexual to the store-bought.
Don't say: "He broke my heart."
Relationships end. More often than not, they don't end smoothly. While this admission of past heartbreak at the hands of the ex might sound like a reassurance for the current relationship, it actually means something completely different in the mind of the average male. Even if the ex was a jerk, and you never want to be with him again, the fact that you are still dwelling on the past or carrying baggage makes it seem that in some odd way you still think about the ex. He doesn't want to know you think about the ex for any reason.
What to say instead: "We've all been hurt."
Even if the ex ripped your heart out, don't make it seem like you are hung up on it. You are with a great guy now, and that's all that matters. He might have experienced the same in a previous relationship, but do you want to hear all about how some woman scorned him and he is still licking his wounds? Let the past live in the past.
What to say instead: "I haven't heard from him in awhile, but I'm sure he is fine."
Even if you e-mail constantly or talk once a week, it's best just to let the current boyfriend think that you don't really keep in touch with the ex. He doesn't let you know about his past relationships and how awesome those women are doing. (And they are doing awesome, so don't ask.) Don't give updates about the ex to the current boyfriend. He honestly doesn't care, and it will only lead to arguments or an official boycott of Top Chef.
Don't say: "He brought me here once."
Neither of you is naive. Both of you led a life before love thrust you into each other's arms. But when it comes to doing things as a couple, it's best to pretend you've never been anywhere. Ever. You spent the previous few years locked in your apartment living life through a view finder you found in your parents' basement. ("Hey look, the Grand Canyon!") Every experience is new and something that you and the current boyfriend are sharing for the first time together.
Don't say: "He brought me here once."
Neither of you is naive. Both of you led a life before love thrust you into each other's arms. But when it comes to doing things as a couple, it's best to pretend you've never been anywhere. Ever. You spent the previous few years locked in your apartment living life through a view finder you found in your parents' basement. ("Hey look, the Grand Canyon!") Every experience is new and something that you and the current boyfriend are sharing for the first time together.
Don't say: "He bought me this."
Guys have trained themselves to say something complimentary about your personal appearance, whether it's a nice pair of earrings or a sparkling necklace. If you say that the old fling bought it for you, it's another way of saying, "Every time I put it on, he comes to mind." Men would like to think that you never, ever think of the ex under any circumstances. Especially not when standing half-naked in front of a mirror, getting dressed.
What to say instead: "I've had this for years."
Oh, this old thing? You have no idea where it came from, but you've had it forever and just love it. Pretend it's just a piece of personal property and not a reminder of a life with someone else. Mention that you've actually been thinking about buying yourself a new one — and who knows, you may get it as a gift in the near future. Avoiding an argument and new jewelry? Double score.
Don't say: "He and I planned to..."
Every past couple had plans they wanted to accomplish together: drive across the country, see a baseball game in every major league ballpark, agree just once on how to decorate the apartment. But when a relationship ends, so do the joint dreams. Don't make your previous couple plans a part of your future plans with your current boyfriend
What to say instead: "You know what I've always wanted to do?"
Make it about the both of you and don't ever mention any old plans with the ex. This is a different relationship, with different goals and agendas. Sure, you can bring some ideas over from the old to the new relationship — kind of like rollover minutes in a cell plan — but just don't mention it's something you wanted to do with the ex but never had the chance.
Don't say: "He was funny."
Guys love to make women laugh, especially because every woman on the planet is looking for a mate with a "sense of humor." Since we aren't all funny, pickings will be slim. But every guy thinks he is a riot. Even if the ex was pee-your-panties hysterical, the new guy doesn't want to know he would only be the opening act if they were in the same room.
What to say instead: "You are the funniest guy I've ever met."
He is the funniest guy you've ever met. Repeat that line until it soaks in or you start believing it as gospel truth. Sure, this might be a lie, but you might not be the best cook/ best dressed/ smartest woman he has ever dated. He just knows better than to tell you the truth. A little white relationship lie never hurt anyone.
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